That Floating Poo Was Way Too Symbolic! It's the Television Letdowns of the Past Year.
Looking back, we reflect on the television offerings of the past year, a handful of shows emerge not for their excellence, but for their spectacular failures. From cringe-inducing spin-offs to confusingly poor docuseries, here are the programmes that left us utterly bewildered or simply reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
How to start with this divisive spin-off? Burdened with woeful scripts, painful arcs (justice for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the series struggled to find its footing. For a moment, as the third season started, it seemed as if it had finally hit its stride. Then came an episode all about Seema’s natural deodorant. No wonder the showrunner announced this would be the last season. It ended on a low point; the lingering shot of Miranda’s loo full of poo was simply too symbolic. Still, viewers undeniably had a hoot dissecting every single “what on earth?” moment. And as Carrie – once again single – twirled around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t release a little sob?
The Kim Kardashian Drama
‘Is Kim Kardashian an actress? Of course she can’t.’
But that was practically the least of this show's problems. The recipient of a exceedingly uncommon zero star assessment, it was hard to know where to begin enumerating the flaws. The hilariously wooden writing? The tedious veneration of affluence and materialism? The almost wilful parade of cliches? Performances so bad they felt almost malicious? Suffice it to say “each and every one” and forget about this show again. However, a second season has been ordered, so we’re likely going to have to.
AKA Charlie Sheen
Given the restraining orders, domestic violence allegations and parental shortcomings, it’s reasonable to say Charlie Sheen has been a bad boy. Not you’d truly have known it from this three-part docuseries which chuckled along at Sheen’s various episodes of reckless excess while failing to tell us a single thing we didn’t already know. Rather, it felt as if this volatile personality was being indulged, so any sympathy this series might induce should be reserved for the people who have had to suffer close contact with this charming but flippant narcissist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Of course we understood it was preposterous from the get-go: a drama about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either solve global crises – or destroy all of humanity. We stuck with it out of sheer love for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had stopped bothering. One scarcely reacted when his character died, and the other ultimately slicing Charlie with an axe … in super slow-motion. That's what you call giving up the ghost.
MobLand
Shady figures meeting in deserted boxing gyms? The Prodigy’s Firestarter jackhammering away in club scenes? The late 90s called and wants its gangland drama back.
In truth, that is unfair on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many seem a little old-fashioned now, but at least they didn’t suffer the embarrassment of having to accommodate unconvincing dialects. But there were plenty of other problems. Primarily that it was just really boring; a dispute over narcotics territory between various London picaresques which seemed rather simplistic.
With Love, Meghan
Given the degree to which she grinds the gears of certain performatively enraged commentators, it’s almost easy to applaud the Duchess of Sussex’s various forays into quaint homemaking as intentional provocations. But then you watch them and are compelled to concede that in this case, they may have a point. It’s like watching a homeware catalogue animated; a meme for evening drinks with delusions of grandeur; a procession of snoozing dogs, buzzing beehives, Hallmark platitudes and forgettable crafting “tips” you’ll not remember instantly. All supported by vast, largely unearned wealth. Ugh.
The Beckham Documentary
There are clearly interesting things to be said about regarding Victoria Beckham and her struggles with career, identity, self-worth. But for some reason, this documentary series chose not to explore them. Instead, the experience was like consuming a marketing catalogue. She clearly has every right to bridle at what she describes as her “miserable cow” image. But unfortunately, she didn’t do herself any helps with this guarded non-event of a series.
The Inheritance
It had the potential to be the next big hit – except even camper, with a glamorous star as a deceased benefactor and a sharp-tongued personality managing her estate. What more could you ask for? As players battled it out, there was plenty of backstabbing and arguing. But the rules quickly became bewildering: it’s even now too confusing to explain what exactly was happening. Even more disappointingly, we only saw brief appearances of the star via filmed videos. The show ended up smelling of a production that was trying way too hard to live up to something far greater than it.
Too Much
How do you follow a show that defined a generation? The pressure was immense for this starry romcom about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who lands in London with a shattered romance. The star seized the opportunity by the horns and was a delight to watch, embodying Jane Austen levels of romantic notions. But it was all very slick and, ironically, was insufficient. Plus, the sheer amount of famous cameos involved felt uncomfortable.
The Sketch Show Return
Not even good enough to be ‘patchy’.
Given the shrewd inclusion of gifted emerging comics, expectations were high. But sadly, most of it didn’t land. A recurring sketch was a one-note joke stretched to a husk but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too ready to slip into a familiar ranting mode. The behind-the-scenes sketches, meanwhile, simply inspired the idea that they should probably have remained in there a while longer.
The Knox Dramatisation
This dramatisation of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much exclusively showcased the perspective of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an interesting drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this was not it. The subject matter needed to be treated sensitively. Instead, the series laboured awkwardly to find the right voice, lumbering from oddly jaunty, slightly mannered farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Complex? Perhaps. A total mess? Very much so.
Prime Target
We love the star … but did we believe him playing the most brilliant maths genius in history, a man so smart he’s on the verge of a discovery that could ruin society? Nope! This international thriller about government agencies targeting – and eliminating – academics frankly got more absurd by the second. Formulaic nonsense.
1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story
This uncritical portrait followed the content creator renowned for sexual exploits as she prepared for her biggest challenge yet. What on earth would motivate her? What we craved was far greater interrogation of her true psychology, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have spoken to the legendary mum who showed up to haul her son out of the queue. What we got was horrific imagery and absolutely no interrogation of her infamy whatsoever. It's staggering to consider, the documentary-maker has a young daughter too.